


Hopeful

by simonsprettyface



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x08 coda, 3x08 meta, 3x08: a heart of darkness, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, idk which tag applies bc idk the difference so just gonna do both i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-09
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-05-04 07:10:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14587719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simonsprettyface/pseuds/simonsprettyface
Summary: 3x08 spoilers! Word vomit about Jace's torture inside of his mind. Based on the line about how he's tried so many times to kill himself but Lilith won't let him.





	Hopeful

The first time Jace tried, he was hopeful.

Maybe hopeful wasn’t the right word, hopeful people don’t try to kill themselves. Right?

But that’s the best word to describe what he felt. He was hopeful that it would work, hopeful that he could die and all of this would be over.

The second time he tried, he was still hopeful.

Fine, it didn’t work the first time. But there were a million things that were going through his head as to why. Maybe he didn’t cut deep enough, whatever. It wasn’t the first time he should’ve died and he didn’t. He was a warrior, a soldier. He put himself in positions all the time where he should die and he always came out on top. Even times where he wanted to die or had accepted it, like when he activated the sword. Or saved Simon.

So he tried again, hopeful this time that he would finally be freed from the hell he was trapped in.

The third and fourth time, not so hopeful. More… desperate.

He had started switching it up, thinking maybe if he did something different it would work.

It never did.

And with every suicide attempt, the torture got worse. He never thought it could, but it did. Every time he tried to end it, Lilith made the hell worse. Memories of Alec and Izzy getting manipulated so they disappeared, leaving him alone again. Hundreds and hundreds of Clarys appearing, just for him to have to kill her again and again and again.

Memories of Valentine and his abuse.

The fifth through the tenth time, it was frenzied. It had to end. He couldn’t take it anymore.

He felt so sad. So small. So broken. It was like when he was a kid again, feeling so tiny and fragile and exposed after he got hit again. After Valentine would break another finger for the wrong note. After Valentine snapped his bird’s neck. After Valentine would tear him down, telling him that love was bad and wrong and weakness, that he would only amount to anything if he was a cold soldier ready to do anything for the cause.

After the tenth attempt, he stopped counting.

It turned into a tedious part of his daily routine, though he didn’t exactly know days anymore. His mind prison was timeless, the only guesses he could get was the occasional times he could see when The Owl killed or possessed another person in his body.

Another memory. Another Clary to kill. Another suicide attempt.

Until an Alec came into the mix.

“I can’t kill you too,” Jace said, his voice broken. The torture was bad enough, he couldn’t handle her adding him killing Alec too. He just couldn’t.

But the Alec was real, Alec had really come to save him. Izzy too. He couldn’t believe it, he knew he couldn’t be free. It would just make things worse. Lilith would never let him be free. She’d find him and she’d make things worse, and he couldn’t take worse. He just couldn’t.

He just wanted to die.

More than he had ever wanted to die before. He craved it. Not like you crave a piece of cake but how you crave a glass of water after a run on a hot, humid day. Not like something you crave as an indulgence, but something you crave as a necessity.

And it was a necessity. There was nothing Jace needed more than to die.

He’s never wanted anything more. Not acceptance from Valentine as a kid, not to fit in with the Lightwoods, not to be the best soldier, not Clary. Not anything.

He begged his siblings to do it. He knew it was a shitty thing to ask of them, that it was dirty and selfish and he shouldn’t, but he did. He needed them to do it. He loved them more than anything, and he didn’t want to leave them behind, but he knew it would be worse if he was to stay alive.

But they promised. They promised that he’d be safe, Lilith couldn’t get him anymore.

And he trusted them. Because he trusts Alec and Izzy. Because they love him and he loves them and they’re the realest family he’s ever had.

He was hopeful again.

But when they were gone and he was left alone in his head again, he knew the hell had just begun.


End file.
